Taj, Tyrus, the new Reality Show this Fall

There’s a bizarre lesson to be learned about Tyrus Thomas, Vinny DelNegro and the NBA.

After Thomas was wining about not starting over rookie Taj Gibson in a preseason game, it became clear that the four-year veteran had not grown up…and he still can’t play basketball.

People will remember Thomas for being the No. 2 pick in the NBA draft, his jaw-dropping vertical, occasional volley-ball-like spike/block in a meaningless game and his expressionless expressions after committing a no-no on the court.

He is the classic underachiever in nearly every sense of the label. He has impeccable athletic ability, has grown into a nice power forward body at 6’10, long arms, but lacks strength and any definable offensive basketball move other than dunking.

He seems like a decent guy, but often sulks and most dangerously, thinks he’s much better than he really is. Just look at his most comments about being a starter in the Chicago Tribune:

“I don't even think it should be questionable from what I've contributed to this team last season and what I did throughout camp."

This from a guy who cannot guard anyone one-on-one and has no true offensive game except for put-backs and the occasional foul call.

He sounds like a bitter athlete and you know what that means? He’s ripe for a reality show.

Here’s the idea: Vinny, Taj and Tyrus have to live together in a “Real World”-like setting, with confessionals and odd dinner and breakfast sequences that are usually referring to the night before when things got a little out of control (roll 10-second clip of Tyrus chicken fighting while on Joakim Noah’s shoulders trying to fight off Taj as he sits atop of Vinny’s).

The goal of this series is: At the end of three months of training, living together and socializing, Vinny will give one of these skinny power forwards a rose, which earns him a starting spot on a potential .500 team that will vie for the 8th seed in the NBA playoffs, and likely will be swept in the first-round.

It’s sort of a “Bachelor” meets “Real World” meets “Hard Knox.”

Giddy, are you?

We can see where this is going. Taj will be the prized pupil, the obedient note-taker who seems to do everything right, though nothing spectacular. He follows the recipes, arrives promptly for every meeting and even remembers to bring coffee.

Tyrus, meanwhile, continues to take jump shots in lay-up drills. In one episode, we see a teambuilding event where the two contestants have to make a soufflé.

Taj has his apron tied by Vinny that merits the words: “I Heart Coach.” Vinny playfully smudges some flour on the rookie’s nose.

Tyrus looks over at the other end of the kitchen, deranged and annoyed.

The host, Chuck Swirsky, the wildly enthusiastic play-by-play announcer for the Bulls’ radio broadcasts, would of course narrate each episode as if the legion of Bulls fans were clinging to every scene.

And cue the first confessional:

Tyrus steps into the booth with iPod headphones still draped around his neck, takes a seat and looks into the camera, plainly, as he’s about to say something, then ends up fiddling with his iPod, trying to figure out how to program a playlist.

No luck.

“That’s fine. Coach doesn’t want to play me. I figure with the 2010 free agency coming up, it’s LeBron, Dwayne, me and then Bosh. 2010, here we come.”

(Side note: This may seem like some unrealistic monologue, but what do you think really goes on in Tyrus’ head? Really? Then again, the same can be said about Vinny: Don’t take a time out, don’t take a time out, don’t take a time out…don’t do it—jumps from chair—“Time out!”).

Then, as the show nears the finale, Taj and Tyrus would have to head out on a camping trip in a remote location somewhere in, say, a forest preserve on Chicago’s far south side.

The two would only be issued basic camping gear, with no food and no cell phone. Just the two of them, alone, bonding the way many modern athletes seem to do in today’s “Hard Knox,” behind-the-scenes world.

Tears? Maybe.

And then the rose ceremony. Vinny—looking dapper with extra gel in his slick black hair donning a charcoal suit with a royal blue tie—stares quietly, yet is noticeably nervous.

“Taj, Tyrus—good to see you both.”

Swirsky, affable and eager as always, is standing next to Vinny looking at the two 6’10 power forwards. He then turns to Vinny, “are you ready?”

“I am.”

(Cue piano melody of Alan Parsons Project’s “Eye in the Sky.”)

And the rose goes to…

Back to reality for a moment. The Bulls are probably going nowhere this year. The season is still about Derrick Rose, and whether he can ascend to greatness, to Chris-Paul-ness. Just as it was last year.

Difference is, the Bulls have to prove they’re a viable contender this season with the hope of being attractive for the big free agents, sans Tyrus of course.

A lot of teams are stuck in the same position, since a mere four teams are real contenders this year for the title. It will take a bit of luck for the Bulls to emerge in the picture. OK, a lot.

Back to the ceremony:

“Taj, Tyrus, the rose goes to…”

(Zoom up on Swirsky’s face, Taj, Tyrus and then back to Vinny).

“James Johnson.”

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Easily one of the funniest stories I've read this month.

Anonymous said...

Is there any chance that Vinny won't screw this up?

Post a Comment